The PS5 Reportedly Has “A Great Personality”

It’s beautiful on the inside, apparently.

Pictured: A book you shouldn’t judge by its cover.

Ever since the first announcement trailer for Sony’s latest gameplay gadget, one major takeaway has remained the same. This machine is butt-ass-ugly.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it, the PS5 looks like a sci-fi skyscraper as imagined by a novel cover art designer from the 1930’s. This system looks like it was designed by the Wish app. This system looks like it’s one cheeto-fingered child away from a murder suicide happening in the suburbs.

Everything, from the white panelling, to the vertical layout, to the clunky, jutting disk drive, leads consumers to one conclusion: It must be beautiful on the inside.

Because what other takeaway could there be? Why else would they make the machine look this way, unless the optics were simply an afterthought, leaving us all to look deeper, into the soul of the machine, the guts, the gears, the personality.

I mean sure, it has backwards compatibility, an expansive library of exclusive games and content, and 8K TV support, but it also has a crown reminiscent of a bully’s popped collar from a 1980’s coming of age movie.

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

Thank you, Sony, for designing a system that is sure to clash equally with every object I own, ensuring that the system be kept hidden from society like a deformed twin half absorbed in utero that we keep hidden in the basement, left alive only from the scraps of the dinners unfinished by the real family.

The systems dimensions are strange as well. In a time where Nintendo continues to make slimmer, lighter, more compact consoles, Microsoft and Sony decided they would like to engage in an arms race to see who could price themselves out of any studio apartment in the world. Not due to the actual price, mind you, but because there isn’t a studio apartment in existence with ceilings high enough to accommodate this absolute monstrosity of modern science.

But, there’s a silver lining here! A quick look under the hood of this jalopy reveals that the white cover panels flanking this wired-up wireless router come right off, making them easily customizable by any user!

Customization, of course, presents it’s own interesting paradigm in the world of game console hardware. On one hand, you could replace those inevitably yellowing panels with some matte black panels, creating a sleek and distinguished design you’d think Sony would have had the cognizance to use as the default. On the other hand, however, you’re sure to see a number of 12 year olds (or 12 year olds at heart) design their own Frankenstein’s monument to Mountain Dew and vape cartridges or whatever is currently popular amongst the future cringe-stricken memories of today’s children.

At the end of the day, this design has proven to us all what we should have seen all along. Perhaps beauty was truly in the eye of the gamer.

God help you if you keep this thing in a smoking home.



Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat

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TeeJay Small

Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat