Mom Says It’s My Turn To Destabilize The Middle East!

C’mon guys, you have to share!

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Alright everyone, the Republicans have had their fun for long enough!

Establishment Democrats sure have had it hard the last four years. I mean, they really had to pretend to be outraged about outrageous behaviors and diabolical policies throughout the entire Trump presidency. Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer had to spend nearly half a decade finding new excuses for why Trump’s unacceptable behavior needed to go completely unimpeded.

Poor sweet innocent Nancy Pelosi, who, may I remind you, could have done her fucking job at literally any point in time instead of waffling endlessly in a Groundhog’s Day of finger wagging and paper shredding.

Sure, the Democrats could have spent the whole of the Trump presidency chipping away at the bizarre sycophancy the GOP has tirelessly been crafting since the 1980’s, but that sounds like a whole lot of work when you can just cry on twitter about how “Somebody should do something!” while you leverage your power in support of the exact same policies the GOP does, but quieter.

“If only there were somebody in charge of this sort of thing!” — The lady in charge of this exact thing. (Image courtesy of Twitter)

“Black Lives Matter!” Shouted the power couple of Stop and Frisk, as they ascended the steps of their stage to empower the youth to choose a 78 year old rapist whose greatest impact on government in his half a century of experience was condemning black people to a lifetime of bootsrapping and private prison slavery. Thank god America is back! And we can go back to doing Fascism the quiet way like we always have.

Everything is okay now guys, we got the loud and embarrassing fascist out of here! Sure, there was an obnoxious and awkward attempt at a coup-lite (That’s a coup with zero calories) but it almost wasn’t as bad as it could have been, and isn’t that about the best we can ask for at this point? Let’s celebrate our folksy old fashioned fascist who at least has the nerve to pretend to give a shit about the working class, and speaks in full coherent sentences some of the time!

Go, Joe Biden! The Democratic architect of the war on Iraq, who only gives a shit about how his drug bill disproportionately impacts the lower class because his own son’s struggle with addiction became a target for the right. I guess it must take some guts to admit when you’re wrong, especially after seeing the effects of addiction on your own child, because you lack the basic human empathy needed to understand why your actions impacting strangers matter too.

But the good news is, now when we commit horrifying atrocities overseas, the press conference will be held with our yass qween bae Kamala in the background of the briefing room. Now that’s what I call progress, proving to little girls of color everywhere that they too can be authoritarian fascists, if they work hard enough and subjugate those beneath them at every turn. How exciting, to be able to tell your child that if they deny medical treatment to trans people suffering through an unnecessary prison sentence that the state continually refuses to commute, they could someday make it all the way to the White House, as a vice president for a former vice president for a war criminal.

Photo by Nicole Baster on Unsplash

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about people’s lives, or their basic human rights, it’s all just a fucking game to these people. American politics is a scheme to enrich the wealthy while the rest of us suffer at the hands of both parties. Sure, one is demonstrably worse in every measurable capacity, but the other refuses to do anything to help on the basis that perhaps these literal nazis will come around and finally open their eyes, have a nice little ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ style revelation and choose not to create a white ethno-state which exterminates whichever culture they deem ‘undesirable.’

So, what lesson can we garner from all this? Are there any key takeaways we can use to inform a better future? Can I turn this line of questions into a comedy rule of threes? I’m no expert, but as long as Biden chooses a secretary of education who doesn’t actively hate both education and children, I’d say we’re off to a decent start.

But is a decent start really enough? If eight years of Barack Obama led to four years of Trump, then what happens after Obama’s former sidekick is finished spraying his lesser-of-two-evils-juices all over the place? Why do the American people constantly have to be forced to eschew any chance of progress along with our basic dignity just to take baby steps forward when the GOP has perfected the art of taking enormous leaps backwards?

Additionally, what will the moderate Democrats do now that they’ve taken control of the House and the Senate? Don’t get me wrong, if there’s a chance for real progress here, I’m happy to see it happen. However, it seems far more likely that the moderates in power will ratfuck this whole thing up until they lose reelection to a Republican majority in 2022, rejoicing in the sweet embrace of their familiar boogey man. Because if there’s one thing moderates are good at, (And there is one thing moderates are good at.) it’s pretending they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place when in reality they’re stuck between the throbbing veiny dick of corporate lobbyists and the briefcase of money handcuffed to their own wrists.

Photo by tom coe on Unsplash

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Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat

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TeeJay Small

Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat