A Foolproof Plan To Get Everybody Vaccinated

Trust me, I’m an ideas guy.

Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash

We made it, everybody! We made it through a global pandemic that lasted longer than half of the Fall FOX lineup! And now that we’re all becoming fully vaccinated together, it seems like we’re out of the woods and ready to restart our lives. Back to the good old days of spitting directly into each-others’ mouths and rubbing butts with your friends on public transportation!

That is, of course, provided everybody gets vaccinated together like kind, caring, responsible citizens. You know, like people who display a shred of human empathy in the face of mortal consequences.

In other words: We’re fucked.

Or at least, we would be, if it weren’t for my very good and smart brain. I have concocted a brilliant plan to get every anti-vaxxer in the country a COVID vaccine by the end of the summer, using the one thing anti-vaxxers care about most. Not human empathy, or intelligence, or science, or facts, or sanctity of human life, because these immuno-inimicals actively hock phlegmy loogies in the face of all of that junk. I’m talking of course, about money.

The important thing to consider when talking about the anti-fax horde is that their stupidity is surpassed only by their selfishness, and any opportunity to make money will leap directly in front of their own disillusioned self preservation like a deer in front of a Chevy Suburban.

As a result of these plague rats in poorly zippered human suits, many organized efforts have begun offering vaccine incentives to encourage the easily coerced into getting jabbed not for Queen and country, but for donuts and scratch off tickets.

So I started thinking… What is the hardest thing to get your hands on right now? Is it a covid vaccine? A job that pays a living wage? A billionaire with empathy? No, it’s a Playstation 5.

Photo by Kerde Severin on Unsplash

Despite being horrifically ugly, the PS5 and it’s advanced computing capabilities have eluded the grasp of many a ravenous gamer for nearly a years time, and according to Sony, it appears as though the supply is not projected to catch up with the overwhelming demand any time soon. Unless you’d like to drop nearly double the sticker price on the highly sought after machine, which makes a refrigerator look like an iPod nano, your best bet is to sit on your hands until they go numb and slam a Walmart captcha with your eyelids.

That is why I contend that we stage a free PS5 giveaway at every vaccination site, effective immediately. I was able to get two covid shots and move across the country in the time it’s taken to get my hands on a PS5 loading screen and I’d take another 6 boosters if it meant avoiding the absurd rates of a StockX scalper.

We’ll start slow, of course. 5 consoles for every site given away at random until the generated buzz creates an opportunity to artificially restrict the supply lines. Before you know it, we can start promising people PS5 consoles that will never come like a satisfying Game Of Thrones conclusion. After a few months of this practice, people will become so demoralized by this manufactured scarcity that they’ll do anything to get their unwashed and antibody-averse hands on the hulking device, they may even go so far as to pay us double the manufactured price for the- wait…

Two shots in every arm and a PS5 in every living room. That’s the TeeJay Small guarantee.

Do you want a chance to win a free PS5? Me too, but I don’t have one to offer you. Hit follow and join my mailing list anyway though because you seem like a cool person who enjoys safe and sexy thrills.

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TeeJay Small

Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat